Debbie's Blog

With all the recent talk of deficit spending, unemployment rates, a jittery stock market, and home equities falling I’ve been thinking about the fear factor that many Americans as well as other global communities are experiencing. So this month I am going to be talking about how to deal with the fear in your life and relationships.

Fear is really designed to warn you fear is not meant to forbid you. It means to warn you for early preparation. Fear tells you to think twice before you launch into an adventure. It gives you time or another chance to prepare so that you can be better equipped the next time around. This is the correct perspective on fear. However, it’s not always limited to just equipping us. Often fear is something we create without real cause.

Types of Fear

Because not all fears are created equal lets start by talking about two distinctly different types of fears. First, we’ll talk about Fear 1 . This is the fear that comes up when we or someone we love is in clear and present danger. For example; you see your child riding her bicycle into the path of a car on a busy street or you are approached by a stranger who demands your purse or wallet. This fear prepares us for peak performance and mobilizes your whole body for effective action. The first thing we notice is our heart beat rises in reaction to the adrenaline dump. Then, the fight or flight feeling comes in as a natural primal response to what is happening, enabling us to react with more strength and acuity so that we can escape the calamity.

Now I like to playfully refer to Fear 2 as Chicken Little fear. Remember how Chicken Little cried, “The sky is falling the sky is falling”The acronym that relates well with this is type of fear is:

False

Expectations

Appearing

Real

This is the fear of what we imagine…or the story we might be telling ourselves. For example we might tell ourselves, “I maybe the next in the office to get laid off.” or “My relationship just broke up and I know I’ll never find anyone to love again.” We can find ourselves fearful about money, our future, our health, our children’s future on and on. The list is endless. Unfortunately this kind of fear grows and magnifies. It takes even the smallest concern and turns into an impending catastrophe. When we allow our minds to constantly engage in this kind of fear and worry we have enormous stress and emotional vulnerability. Then stress and takes it toll on our bodies, causes waves of emotions, frustration and the loss of joy and many times hope. Chicken Little fear can actually trick our body into reacting chemically with an imagined fear to the same extent as the fear that comes up while being mugged. Unfortunately, this fear can be debilitating, immobilizing and lead to isolation and depression.

Overcoming fear

How do you handle your fears? What do you do when you realize that your fear has paralyzed you? There is a good side of fear the part that actually becomes a motivator and a way to learn more about yourself and that is key in learning  how to releasing fear from your life.  Here is a technique I work with clients to do to help with their fear:

1)      Begin by listing the specific things that you fear. Notice what you tell yourself around these fears. Do you awefulize things a bit like Chicken Little? Make them bigger that life? Or perhaps project the past into the future?

2)      Become aware of your body’s reaction when you are in fear. Notice where you feel the fear and how you react to it. Get curious about what thoughts and stories are generating your fear.

3)      Slowly begin to breathe into that part of your body that is holding the fear. Notice how that part of your body begins to relax. Continue breathing until you almost feel a sense of surrender.

4)      Connect with that higher, wiser self and ask, “What is the truth about this situation?”  With practice you will hear that small still voice of truth, reason and knowing.

5)      Now quietly visualize a beautiful warm light permeating the fear of which you now release. Staying with this light, breathing and gently noticing the peace in the absence of fear.

This is one of many techniques that I like to practice with my clients for dissolving fear.  Know that you can get the courage to face your fears whether it is in your relationships or any other area of your life. Even more exciting is the fact that with each incidence of fear that you overcome you become stronger and more courageous and then find you are much more confident on your journey.

Be fearless!

Debbie

Co- dependency is a learned behavior that often times is passed down from one generation to another by watching parents relate in this type of system. It is sometimes referred to as “relationship addiction” because many times codependent relationships are one sided and can be emotionally destructive.

A few of the characteristics of Co-dependent people are:

• An over inflated sense of responsibility for the actions and feelings of others
• A tendency to get involve with others that they can love, pity and rescue
• Poor boundaries
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything and put up with the unimaginable to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when trying to assert themselves
• A need to control others
• Lack of trust in themselves
• Fear of being alone
• Difficulty identifying and feeling their feelings
• Problems with intimacy
• Lying/dishonesty

One of the more salient points of James Redfield’s Celestine Prophecy related to codependency. Redfield likened it to walking around like the letter C – half a circle. “We are very susceptible to a person… some other circle half complete, coming up and joining with us – completing the circle that way – and giving us a burst of euphoria and energy that feels like the wholeness that a full connection with the universe provides,” he writes. “In reality, we have only joined up with another person who is looking for their other half on the outside too. This is the classical co-dependency relationship.”

Codependents languish in the absence of their partners, whether it be a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. The sky is never as blue as when their lover is near. While well-meaning, the codependents’ biggest fault is loving others too much and themselves too little.

Codependents sometimes try to “save” others who have a myriad of problems. Yet underlying this impulse to “help,” there is an issue of control. Individuals may see it as trying to control their own lives, but often others get caught up in this sea. Codependents do more than their fair share and may end up feeling unappreciated. A codependent will do anything to hold onto relationships and avoid abandonment, which especially becomes a problem if the relationship is abusive, unhealthy or ill-suited to begin with.

Codependents can sabotage themselves in relationships. At the first sign of neediness, partners flee in droves. Codependents are also the first people to be taken advantage of, since it’s presumed they’ll put up with just about anything. The tendency to enable others’ bad behavior can cause undesirable results. For example, a codependent may always pick up after a messy spouse, but then unfortunately, the spouse never suffers a consequence that may give him an incentive to change. Another side of the codependent system is with two codependents paired together. These two may value their relationship so much that relationships with family and friends suffer, careers fall by the wayside and life is a mere shadow of what it could be as they only live to satisfy each others needs.

Recovery from co-dependency is a process that is completely possible when we do our personal growth work and begin to heal our lack of self esteem and fears of abandonment. Here are three tips that will get you on the road to recovery from co-dependency:

1. Begin to start taking extreme care of you! That means start eating a balanced healthy diet, get regular exercise and develop a spiritual and social interests outside of your relationship.

2. Take a look at your internal boundaries and values and begin to realize what is important to you. Stop “giving yourself up” so that others are happy. Begin to speak your truth expressing how you truly feel. It may feel scary at first but it gets easier with practice and will grow your self esteem.

3. Get to know you better. Begin by journaling your inner most feelings, hopes, dreams and aspirations. Imagine your life as though it were perfect and begin to take baby steps everyday to create the life of your dreams.

4. Get the support you need. Sometimes we need help to overcome the challenges of codependency so reach out to a professional of your choice or join a support group that shares help and support on this subject.

Borrowing from the James Redfield metaphor, you, in essence, must become a full circle – a complete person – before you can link up with someone else and create a healthy relationship. When two complete beings join in a union, they become a chain and their magnified energy leads to greater bliss for both people. Healthy, independent people have more to contribute to daily conversations and are better able to adapt to whatever life throws their way. One of many terrific reasons to break the co-dependency pattern in your life.

Mayou Angelou said, “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, be life threatening.” Jealousy becomes a problem in a relationship for one of two reasons. One, because the person you are with is not trust worthy or two because you may be dealing (or not dealing) with insecurities about the relationship or yourself. Here I’ll be giving you tips to keep the greened eyed monster at bay so that your relationships stay on track.

Tip #1: Identify the reason
Narrowing down the reason for your jealousy is the first step towards overcoming this emotion. Is this about your partner? Is your partner untrustworthy? Or do you have your own insecurities and unresolved feelings about your self-worth? If this is about your lack of self esteem, chances are this issue shows up in other ways of your life as well. Many of my clients find the self-confidence building exercises and techniques I teach them to be incredibly helpful in building their self esteem and ultimately greatly reducing the time they spend spinning in jealousy while at the same time improving other areas of their life as well.

Tip #2: Do a Reality Check
If you are feeling a bit threatened by a third party or feeling like your partner isn’t being as loving or attentive as he or she once was…ask yourself, “What is real and what is imagined here?” . Is there any real proof that your relationship is in danger? Now if you do a thorough check in and feel you have reason to suspect your partner, love yourself enough to be honest….. with yourself, confront the issue and then take the appropriate action.
On the other hand, if after you do some investigating and soul searching and you conclude that you have no real reason to be jealous consider that you may be using jealousy as a form of self sabotage, protection, or control. If you tell yourself over and over again that your partner is going to be cheating on you at the next possible opportunity and you spend a lot of time focusing on that then…guess what? It’s not your partner who is putting up barriers to intimacy it’s you. Powerful feelings of hurt, anger or rejection are not without cause. The roots for these feelings may have taken hold long ago due to a previous relationship or a childhood issue. Taking responsibility for your emotions is the one of the first steps in getting a handle on the jealousy that is in your life.

Tip #3 Begin to deal with the thoughts
It’s important to know that in order to have an emotion, like jealousy that a feeling is always preceded by a thought. Keep in mind that the past does not equal the future so be aware of dragging old baggage from a past relationship into your current one. If you find yourself ruminating and feeling miserable over the possibility of what your partner may be doing, learn to minimize insecure thoughts before you dwell on them. Create statements like these and repeat them often to yourself…

”No matter what has happened to me in the past, this moment is different and has nothing to do with past relationships or previous situations” or

“My fears about what has happened in my relationship have nothing to do with reality and I am choosing to focus on the possibities of love and joy instead of pain and heart break.”

Jealousy can brew up some disturbing mental images of your partner with another person. I have found using techniques such as Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) or Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) are very affective in redirecting what I refer to as “circle thinking”. These techniques actually shrink or even shatter these troublesome thoughts and images before they get out of hand. You can learn more about EFT and NLP through various websites on the net. Being conscious of your thought patterns and learning how to control them will help arrest the feeling of jealousy.

Tip #4 Communicate with your partner
Communication is always key in resolving relationship issues. Talk about your feelings and let your partner know that trust and confidence in your love and relationship for each other is important to you. Granted it can be difficult opening up and sharing the part of you that doesn’t always make sense to even you, however, intimacy is showing up and sharing exactly who we are and talking about our struggles as well as our dreams.

Tip #5 Get help
If you deal with jealousy on a regular basis even though you have tried every way you know to stop, if jealousy is still wrecking relationships and holding you and the people you love hostage, get help. Powerful feelings of hurt, anger or rejection are not without cause. The roots for these feelings may have taken hold long ago due to a previous relationship or a childhood issue .Find a professional that can help you deal with the emotions and unsupportive beliefs that are behind your jealousy so that you can move into a healthier happier way of being.

The rewards for overcoming jealousy and slaying the green eyed monster will make it possible to have deeper more meaningful love in your life and cultivate fulfilling relationships than you ever dreamed possible.

Have you always thought your life story would make a great book? You could win the chance to get your “divorce story” in print and help others at the same time!

Have you been divorced and remember the shock, the hurt, and the anger? Do you remember how devastating it was to think that life would never look or feel the same again? Did you use divorce as a jumping off time in your life to grow yourself to become stronger, happier, and in a better place than ever before? I know I did.

Hi, I’m Debbie Klugger Relationship and Divorce Coach. Because I work with folks in the throes of divorce and get to witness the pain and devastation along with their feelings of helplessness and hopelessness while struggling through divorce, I have taken on the project of writing a book for people experiencing divorce which validates this painful time and offers new insight full of hope and encouragement. I will be collecting stories from people who have endured and healed through the arduous journey of divorce (names of contributors may remain anonymous by request) .With these stories I will be compiling a book that helps get people back on track with their lives encouraging them to move forward with hope, healing, and excitement about all of the possibilities of life after divorce. Upon completion of this book 10% of all net proceeds will be donated in the contributors names to The Women’s Rape and Crisis Center.

If you’ve walked the painful terrain of divorce, have a story of struggle to victory and feel compelled share in order to encourage others, enter the contest today.   If you are selected you will get the chance to turn your experience into helping others and the exciting possibility of any publicity that may come as a result of sharing your story. To be considered for this opportunity, please write a brief outline explaining the following:

 How did you meet your ex-spouse? What was your relationship like?

When did you know something wasn’t “quite right” about the relationship?

Describe your breaking up how it impacted you and your children, if you have any. What was the worst thing that happened during the process? What were your feelings as you went through the divorce?

What was the turning point for you to go from hurt, anger and/or despair to happiness?

What were three fabulous lessons that you learned during the divorce process?

What makes your story unique?

How did you recreate yourself to move forward into the best you ever?

Please be sure to include your name and contact information.

**All entries must be submitted by March 2, 2011 via email to dklu48@aol.com or via snail mail to: Deb Klugger at 3251 SE 31^st St Ocala, Fl 34471. Winners will be selected by April 2, 2011 and notified within 10 days after which a phone interview will be held.

In the event that you are not in the position to tell a divorce story but know of someone who would please forward this on or give them my contact information directly.

Thank you in advance for your help in this very worthwhile project.

Sincerely,

Deb Klugger

www.debbieklugger.com

Here are some tips that will help you resolve conflict when your relationship is being tested.

1) Discuss what is bothering you.
A lot of people think that by avoiding discussion of a problem that the problem will eventually just go away. In fact, quite the opposite happens. By not airing your concerns, tensions rise and resentments fester and a much bigger argument eventually results. So it is important to let your partner know exactly what is coming up for you in the way of concerns or frustrations in a calm and respectful manner without blame. It is much healthier to quickly address and resolve conflict in a relationship. You will find that many times talking it out and expressing your feelings results in bringing the two of you closer.

2) Try not to get defensive.
Rather than addressing a partners concerns or complaints with a willingness to understand the other person’s point of view, the defensive person denies any wrong doing and works hard to avoid admitting to the possibility that they maybe contributing or even causing the situation. Denying responsibility may seem to let you off the hook for the short term, unfortunately, it creates long term problems when partners feel unheard and conflicts and resentment continue to grow. So when your partner expresses a grievance, listen, then a great technique is to use a tool called active listening. Acitve listening is when you actually.repeat to them what you just heard them say. Next you validate their concerns ie. “I understand how you might see it that way”. Then talk about your feelings with an open heart and mind.

3) Stay current.
Avoid starting sentences with phrases like: “You always…and “You never..” as in,”You always show up late!” or “you never do what I ask!”. Try not to generalize. One other thing to keep in mind is that bringing up a past conflict is nonproductive and only stirs up more negativity. So only talk about the issue at hand while leaving the past exactly there, in the past.

4) Give up having to always be right.
Since we all have egos we all want to be right. However, it’s quite damaging to a relationship when one partner decides that there is only one way to see things and that is their way. Don’t demand that your partner see things the same way and don’t take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion than you. It is said, ” you can be right or you can be in relationship” so look for a point of compromise or simply agree to disagree and that two points of view can both be valid.

5) Ask, don’t assume.
After years of being in a close relationship with someone it is easy to assume we know what they are thinking or how they are feeling. Unfortunately, many times what we feel certain another is thinking or feeling is based upon faulty interpretations of their actions. Often we rarely assume the good, instead we assume the negative. For example, deciding our spouse doesn’t care enough to be on time or that if our spouse still found us attractive he or she would tell us. Making a conscious effort to assume the good i.e., “he has a really good reason for being late” or “he has a really good reason to be so quiet” goes along way in a relationship. When you ask for more information from this point of intention you will see your partners wilingness to share be far greater and more loving.

6) Avoid making Character attacks.
Many times people will take a negative action from their partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. For example, if a husband leaves the toilet seat up a woman amy find herself looking at it as a character flaw and label him “inconsiderate or lazy”. Or, if a woman is wanting to discuss a concern within a relationship, labeling her as” needy or too demanding”. Make it a personal commitment to always come from a respectful place even though you don’t like the behavior and leave the character attacts out of the discussion.

7) Don’t stonewall.
If your partner wants to discuss a troubling issue involving the relationship don’t defensively stonewall by refusing to talk or listen to your partner. Stonewalling shows disrespect and in certain situations even contempt and also allows the conflict to get proportionately larger. Stonewalling drives a wedge between two people creating hard feelings and damaging a relationship. It is always healthier to listen and discuss with your partner in a respectful and loving manner.

Remembering these 7 tips of more effective communication can make even the most difficult relationship situation easier. Using these tips will help you to resolve the conflict more quickly relationships and help avoid the contempt that sometimes builds between two people. The good news is that if you will sharpen your communication skills your intimacy level rises as does trust and support. Now that’s worth working towards!
See you next month!
Warmly,
Debbie

Fun and passion ignites the fire in us and makes our relationships abundantly richer, so how do we get there? In this issue I’ll be giving you a few tips to firing up the fun and passion.

#1 Get active and play! Sometimes relationships aren’t fun because you stop playing. You worry too much about money, bills, jobs, work, etc. and forget to just play together Play or watch a sport together, be competitive in casual games like ping-pong or volley ball. even add a little teasing and funny sarcasm here and there and you’ll really ramp up the fun.

#2 Shake things up! Be unpredictable in a good way. If you normally go to brunch on Sundays, suggest something totally different like bike riding or a picnic. Do something unexpected. Pop in to their work, or starting a food fight at dinner. Mixing things up keeps the relationship fun for both of you.

#3 Tell a joke. Joke telling is a great way to get laughter going and laughter is contagious. Laugh at yourself…laugh at each other, with love of course. We always feel closer to people we can laugh with.

#4 Get touchy feely. It is fun to hug, touch, hold hands, etc. Walk arm and arm or just share a random kiss as you walk by your partner. Many times physical contact inspires fun because it is so comforting.

Get creative with your sense of play and watch the passion in your relationship heat up!

(Do you struggle with getting to know and love your inner child? This article will give you some great suggestions on how to know and love your inner child on a deeper level)

I find that many clients struggle with getting to know their “inner child” and Judy was no exception. Her parents were both tragically killed in a car accident when she was just 5 years old, leaving her an orphan. Judy’s’ aunt and uncle agreed to take her (an only child) into their home. Unfortunately, Judy’s caregivers were less than loving, and were in fact unkind and demeaning to her. When she started school the other children laughed at her clothes and called her “four eyes” because she wore glasses. Judy had memories of being an awkward, withdrawn, unaccepted young girl. She had great judgment for this part of herself so consequently, the thought of loving her inner child seemed impossible. To help Judy, I suggested that she find pictures of herself at the age of 4 or 5 and while holding the pictures; try to get a sense of who this little girl was, hoping that she could in fact connect with her true essence. Judy looked at the photos with much distain and judgment.  She felt no connection with the young girl in the pictures. To help Judy begin to know and become more excepting of that part of her we went through the following exercise:

First, I asked Judy to connect to her guidance with her hand on her heart and ask Guidance to fill her with love and compassion so that she could open to the young girl in these photos. Next, Judy stared into the eyes of the girl in the photos for a very long time.  Then closing her eyes, she imagined picking up this girl and holding her very close to her heart.  After just a few minutes Judy was able to describe how sweet, helpful, shy, and loving this little girl, was and how all this little girl had ever really wanted was to be loved and accepted by the people in her life.  At that point Judy asked guidance to fill her with love so that she could bring that love through her and to her “little girl”. It became an amazing breakthrough for Judy. She was now able to really relate to this part of herself, her essence.

Over the next few weeks Judy worked diligently to get to know her inner child on a deeper level. Through the Inner Bonding process and lots of dialogue, she learned what “little Judy’s’” favorite color was, that she truly loved music and dance. That she adored walking in nature or skipping stones along the river bed on sunny afternoon. Judy began to discover many things that brought that part of her true joy. She realized what a great honor and a privilege it was to know and love her “little girl”. In knowing this; she began taking the loving action by giving her “little girl” the gifts of doing the things she loved to do. There were outings in the park, singing to a tune she loved, and sometimes dancing to a song she found moving. Taking the loving action for her inner child felt wonderful and in turn, was instrumental in further developing Judy’s loving adult.   She now feels deeply connected to her essence and feels tremendous love, understanding and compassion for that part of her.  With the Inner Bonding process, Judy is now able to bring from Guidance the love and acceptance to and through her that she always wanted to have and to share.

Deb Klugger is a Holistic Life and Relationship Coach and works internationally through the phone and Skype. Visit her website @ www.Debbieklugger.com

Thank you for visiting my new blog. Here I will share thoughts, observations and ideas to help you with your journey.